Pregnant for 10+ Months

If you've been following my story of this in-between time, you may remember this post, one of my first, about "expecting" versus "waiting," that I wrote back in September. I just thought that I was antsy about moving on, back then! The best analogy to how I feel is something other moms may understand--you know how you feel that last month of your pregnancy, or even the last week? Words like tired, anxious, achy, come to mind.

In addition, though, you're unable to focus on anything else besides the strong physical and emotional need to have the pregnancy over! Of course, you would never want it over prematurely, risking your health and the baby's, so you remind yourself you should be thankful for carrying the child full-term, but there is still that incredible restlessness, unease, angst that overshadows every thought.

That's how I feel, lately. But unlike pregnancy, there is no due date, due week, due month--no promises that this "transition time" will end anytime soon. And as summer approaches, I find myself grieving, in a way.

We'd planned to buy a porch swing for last summer, and we'd planted strawberries in the garden. We never got to buy our swing, though, and we at least hope someone else besides the squirrels enjoyed the berries we'd planted. Jonathan was going to build a swingset for the boys, too. Not only did he not get to do that last summer, but he won't get to do it this summer, either.

And we'll be moving again, because this apartment was a good choice for the short-term sublet, but not for the long-term. It's so hard to make wise choices while in "temporary mode." Just when the weather will be warmest, and I'll be wanting to take advantage of the pool that's in the complex, we'll be spending hours packing boxes once again, probably to a smaller place, instead.

I'm mailing out another intro. packet to a church tomorrow, and Jonathan's boss seems hopeful that he could get Jonathan in on a next-level-up position that would mean decent pay. A church with which he had a phone interview 4 weeks ago tomorrow still hasn't contacted him back, even though they said they would, either way--par for course.

The writing contest was a fun diversion, and I'm not ashamed of coming in 2nd out of 120 or so writers, even though it turned into more of a popularity contest than a writing contest. (I was encouraged, too, by how many friends helped me out, and I credit them with my placement, which doesn't make sense considering the winner had over 1,000 more FB friends than I!) Some other writing gigs seem to be coming through, though, so some extra funds are coming in. Just nothing regular like the Momsquawk position would be. But the issue isn't just financial.

In the mean time, we can't plan on any kind of vacation, even an inexpensive one, because Jonathan wants to save any vacation time he has in case a church asks him to visit. 

I just want something to look forward to, some timeframe that gives me hope that this tunnel will end.

The Resurrection gives me hope, and I'm glad this world isn't all there is, but I can't help wanting something to change for now, today, this month, this year.

Expecting or Just Plain Waiting?

I'm due to have my second son 9 days from today. Any day now, really. Tomorrow would be good. As you can imagine, I feel and look every bit of my "expectant" status. Anytime I feel the slightest bit of a muscular cramping in my abdominal area, I wonder,"Is this it?" And it very well could be. That idea of "expecting" is very real to me right now.

Expecting is different from waiting. I feel like I waited for a while (longer than a lot of girls I know, anyway) to get married . . . at age 28. And to be a mommy . . . at age 31. In fact, I feel like I was even "waiting" to become a mommy well before I met the man I married. I "hoped" someday that would be the case. However, that "waiting" was not the same as "expecting" it to happen. My convictions about sexual purity made it impossible for me to anticipate or "expect" to become a mommy without having a husband. I hoped I would someday marry, but I did not know I would; I cannot say I truly "expected" to. And even once I was married, I did not know if my body would be able to provide me with biological children or, if it didn't, whether we would be able to adopt. I was waiting, not expecting.

I think you get the picture--our idea of "hoping" and "waiting" is very different than that of "expecting." But when we read our Bibles and think about God, we need to realize that the biblical words "hope" and "wait" really have a connotation more like the word "expect." Considering that, we can look at the Scriptural commands to "wait on the Lord" and the Psalmists' and others' ideas of their "hope in the Lord" differently than maybe we have before.

As I "wait" on the Lord's guidance (which He promises!) I'm not doing it like I "waited" and "hoped" to become a mom when I was 20. It's more like I'm "expecting" my baby now--any day, and I KNOW it's going to happen. "Haven't left one in there yet!" my OB/GYN assured me!

Isn't it the same God who created this world and our bodies and the dependable seasons and day/night cycles that promises guidance, provision, et. al.? I need to remind myself of this, as it seems more imminent that I deliver our second son than that God delivers on His promises to guide us to a more stable and permanent (I realize those things are relative as long as we're here on earth!) situation where Jonathan can fulfill his life's calling.

Jonathan has had two "conversations" with churches in the past 3 weeks, but he has not heard anything after either. Since Jonathan determined the necessity to resign from his former position in April, I have prayed (and asked others to pray) fervently that we'd be at more of a place to "expect" Him to lead us to a new ministry by the time of our baby's birth. I think my understanding and commitment to believing the Truth of the words of Scripture--and their meanings--will help determine my ability to resist panic and feel true peace and joy in this time of continued unknowns.

So this was kind of a "pep talk" to myself, but maybe some of the rest of you can benefit as well. Thanks for "listening" to me as I "talk to myself" about this. :)